Blinded By The Light

With his impeachment trial in the Senate scheduled for January, the president calls an emergency cabinet meeting.

“I have a surprise attack for the fake impeachment trial,” he tells them. “It's terrific. I thought of it myself. Kellyanne's going to hand out these Loyalty Oaths I made up. They're real simple: 'I pledge complete loyalty to President Donald J. Trump and I also swear that he is the greatest president in the history of America.' 

“I want everyone in all of your departments to sign one and if they won't, just fire them. I'll back you up. Then when we get all these millions of signed Loyalty Oaths, we bring them in on skids … forklifts, everything … and we dump them right on the floor of that fake trial, and let America see our strength.

“And then – what the fuck? – who turned out the lights? I can't see anything.

Get those lights on. Turn your phones on, we need light.”

“I just did!” screams Pence. “I can't see anything. God, I'm blind!”

“Me, too!” yells Kellyanne. “I'm blind, too! I'm blind!”

Everyone in the cabinet room has been struck blind and there is complete panic. Water pitchers are knocked over and chairs flung about as the fear-fevered cabinets members scramble for where they think the door is. There is the sound of scuffling and cursing as they forge together, all the while begging into their phones for help.

“Help us! We're blind. Oh, God, it's a curse,” moans Pence. “Oh, dear Lord, lift this curse and I will leave this place forever. It is cursed!”

“It's the Democrats! It's the deep state! It's Obama. Hillary! Oh, my God – I'll be the only blind president to be impeached!”

The doors are flung open and teams of EMTs and the White House physician cautiously enter, gently guiding the panicked president and his cabinet back to their seats. 

After examining everyone in the room, the doctor says, “Mr. President, I can't find any outward cause. It might be some kind of mass psychosis. I just don't know.”

“Do you think it's in our brains?” Trump asks. “Do you want to look in one of these guys' brains. Go ahead. It's okay. I'm the president and I say it's okay.”

The blind cabinet screams at him in protest.

At the same time, word of the mass blinding has reached the Senate floor. Every Republican senator feels a twinge of the same panic that swept the cabinet room. Would the Senate be next? Would every Republican Senator be struck blind, too? Many left the floor. 

Exactly 45 minutes after the blinding, the president and cabinet regain their sight. By then, word of Trump's offer to have one of his cabinet member's brain examined has reached both the Senate and the media. 

The Senate is reconvened and  Majority Leader Mitch McConnell addresses that august body: “Gentlemen, the President of the United States has offered to have one of his cabinet member's brain examined. When his trial is convened, I think our duty is clear. Enough is finally enough.”