In these horrible times, let me first assure you that I, as president of this country – a country which is great again, incidentally, even with all this – look at the stock market going up like a rocket – I assure you that I am not some wishy-washy weakling who would take at least some responsibility for all this – no, in no way am I taking any responsibility for any of this. It is not my duty to take responsibility for anything.
My duty as I see it and as every last person who knows anything will tell you as they see it my main responsibility is to take no responsibility. Let me let you in on something, my fellow Americans: I could never have made America as great again as I have made it if I was busy being responsible for the great things I have accomplished.
I could go over them but that would take too long and the reason I'm here with you fellow Americans is because of the horrible, agonizing, excruciating death of George Floyd at the hands of a single rotten apple in the law enforcement barrel and maybe three other misguided police officers.
As you know, I called the Floyd family within minutes of hearing about that horrible situation and told his poor mama that I was feeling her pain and would probably even feel it the next time I played golf if I remembered to. She said that was great that I could feel her pain so well and that my call was almost as good as Obama's but then the connection was lost and I hung up.
So that's over, my fellow Americans. He is buried and that bad apple has been arrested and there is some serious thought about charging the three other police officers. So justice has been served and we can get back to opening the country again.
My fellow citizens: let me ask you the one question that any great president would be asking right now: how can we re-open the country if you are burning it down? Think about it. We have beaten the virus to the point where millions of maskless Americans are again enjoying our beaches and parks and it will only be a matter of time until we are fully taking off like that rocket did the other day. And let me tell you that all that stuff about big flare-ups coming is just more of the fake news I have been warning this country about even before my great administration took office.
So, two things: first, will all you thugs please stop rioting and setting fires? It is destroying property values and also makes us – and me – look bad to the rest of the world. Another thing: the fake news said I was hiding in the basement. It is a bunker, not a basement, and I was not hiding – I was waiting things out while I was being debriefed by the White House Tacticians, Jared and Steve.
I know that some of you think you have a reason to be rioting and looting and burning and you might have one and that there are peaceful people there too and that there are anarchists running around stirring things up with black clothes on and so if all these horrible things keep up I'm going to be forced to do what any president who isn't weak would do if he had all these weak governors who wouldn't do it and that is to give the order to shoot to kill anyone out after curfew.
I will never be known as weak as long as I am your president, my fellow Americans, even if I have to kill some of you to prove it.
Good night and God Bless America.
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