South of the Border

“This guy said they want to build a wall right here,” the motel manager said.

“What guy?” I asked. We had been chatting and somehow Trump's wall came up.

“He said his name was Stephen Miller and that he represented the President of the United States of America. I actually hung up on him and then he called back and told me to call him back and gave me a number and an extension. When I did I got the White House switchboard and then him on the extension. So I figured he was legit.”

This conversation was at the motel desk at South of the Border, the garish, totally  neonized cornball deluxe landmark on I-95 in Dillion, South Carolina, right over the North Carolina border, hence the name and all the faux Mex bullshit that goes with it, starting with the giant figure of Pedro, the joint's longtime mascot, so big that you drive between Pedro's bowlegs on the way in and out. The place is a monument to bad taste, but nobody ever underestimated the American taste for trash. See Trump, Donald.

Anyhow, the motel manager, who actually runs the whole complex, said that this Stephen Miller said the president had seen some pictures of South of the Border – especially that big Pedro – and really liked all the bright, shiny stuff and said that if he couldn't get his wall across the real Mexican border they would build a replica wall – like those replicas of the Vietnam wall you see – and charge people to see the wall and all the criminals and fiends and terrorists that are pouring in where the real wall should be.

“This Miller said Pedro's Wall – which is what they want to call it – would make everybody some money – he said Trump wanted a split – and give all those people on I-95 something to think about in terms of getting the real wall built. He said the president himself would come down to cut the ribbon and all and we would get a lot of coverage and more traffic probably.”

I asked him what the wall would look like?

“That's the thing,” he said. “Miller said it would be a about a mile long and made of cast concrete and cost about six million bucks. He said that was no problem because we'd get our investment back in a couple years probably.

“When I asked him what investment he said that the president figured with all the money we were going to make it would only be fair for South of the Border to pick up the tab.”

I asked him how long it would take to build?

“That's another thing: he said it might take a couple months or even maybe a year and that there'd be big detours around us, but when Pedro's Wall opened we'd get all that lost business back and even more. Then when I told him that was crazy he told me that the president could eminent domain us if he wanted and just take the land because this is a national emergency.”

Jeez, I said, what did you tell him?

“I said that we're owned by a Wall Street hedge fund and if he wants to go to war in court that's fine. Then I told him to respectfully tell the president to stick Pedro's Wall up his ass.”