He Gave It a Shot

The following is excerpted from Ivanka Trump’s 2028 inauguration speech:

“My fellow followers, I stand here today thanks to the wisdom and foresight of my father, the Most Revered Donald J. Trump, a title he took for himself after you in your ultimate good faith voted in 2020 for the Constitutional Amendment that declared him President for Life.

“Oh, yes, many thought he was joking way back in 2018 when he said he admired the fact that Chinese President Xi had been declared President for Life and my father said, ‘I might give that a shot.’

“He did more than give it a shot, as you can see by my hand on the Bible held by the Reverend Frank Graham, the sainted Billy’s son, and our hallowed Secretary of Belief.

“Fortunately for the country, my Most Revered father is neither a selfish or egotistical man, and the Constitutional Amendment that crowned him President for Life also contained a rider that empowered him to chose his successor if he chose to step down while still alive. He is still very active and supremely aware at the young age of 81, but after these many years of dedicated service to making our country great again – which he has certainly achieved despite nagging setbacks like the vanished steel and auto industries, all created by foreign interference from, ironically, China, Russia, and Canada – after this glorious Presidency, my father graciously stepped aside so that he and my stepmother Melania, the Most Revered First Lady, can enjoy well-deserved semi-retirement in their Mar-A-Miami golf club and resort, formerly known as the City of Miami, which is now accepting reservations for my Inaugural Ball.

“So I stand here today to accept the mantle of the 46^th presidency of the United States, humbled to be the first woman President in this nation’s glorious history. And in keeping with my father’s wishes and guidance, which will be ongoing during my reign as I, too, according to the Amendment, am President for Life, I hereby announce the appointment of my brothers Donald, Jr. and Eric as Secretaries of State and Defense, respectively. I have already named my husband, Jared, as vice president, also for life or as long as we remain husband and wife. And my youngest brother, Barron, will be my chief of staff, another in a long line of accomplished and faithful aides.

“This seems like a good time, too, to announce that my Inaugural Parade, like my father’s annual Veteran’s Day Parades, will take place on Valentine’s Day and in keeping with this hallowed tradition, will last an entire week. The route will again be the entire length of Trump Pathway to Greatness, formerly Pennsylvania Avenue.

“As usual, portions of the entire populations of the states of Maryland and Virginia will be transported daily by U.S. Army transportation vehicles – the cherished deuce-and-a-halfs – to line the parade routes and will be expected, as usual, to provide their own food and drink. Failure to attend will result in six-month re-education courses in the Trump University for Greatness at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. 

“Thank you all, and God Bless Donald Trump and God Bless the Greatness he has brought to America.”