Beyond Parody

Comedians are having a difficult time writing Trump material because, as the saying goes, you can’t make this shit up. Trump is his own best material with every strange, arrogant, racist, lying, stupid, ill-informed, willfully ignorant, crazed, divisive and moronic (thanks, Tillerson) remark he makes or action he takes.

We will be reeling from the Las Vegas massacre for a long time, but Donald Trump got right to the heart of the matter, offering “warm condolences” to the victims like he was congratulating them for being shot.  He also pointed out that the gunman was unhinged like he alone had made this great, earth-shaking discovery. Duh. You can’t make this shit up.

Can’t wait to see what he says about gun control. Maybe something like  if you are a multi-millionaire, you have the right to as many weapons as you can buy. Poor people will have to be restricted because if they can’t make a lot of money, they obviously don’t have the mental capacity to be trusted with firearms. 

More likely he will say nothing or take a couple weeks to get around to it.

Which brings us to Puerto Rico. Granted, that was a historic disaster, but the very valid reasons our president didn’t get around to dropping by for two weeks was that he was frying much bigger fish like straightening out those sons of bitches in the NFL and rattling “Little Rocket Man’s” cage for the umpteenth time.

He did point out to any other ignorant Americans,  though, that Puerto Rico is an island surrounded by so much water that the water is actually an ocean, which explained why no one was driving trucks to the island to help – although the help wasn’t really needed because everything was under control and that stupid bitch who’s the mayor of San Juan was ragging on him and the government’s totally inadequate response because the Democrats had put her up to it. You can’t make this shit up, no sir.

When he and Melania did show up, with Melania all khakied up like she was in a remake of “The Snows of Kilimanjaro,” he reminded the ungrateful American citizens of Puerto Rico that because of all this generosity from his administration, “you’ve thrown our budget a little out of whack” and then went on to crow about how this new airplane he was ordering would cost “hundreds of millions.” 

I  get the distinct feeling that Trump thinks the government’s money is actually his, and that those damn Puerto Ricans had better straighten out their debts before he wastes any more of his dough on their lazy spic asses. And they don’t even have any electoral votes like Texas and Florida.

Oh, and by the way, you whimpering Puerto  Ricans, Katrina was a “real disaster” with big time death numbers, not the paltry “16 verified” deaths on your island. Anybody with any sense knows that deaths are a competition and a real barometer of tragedy.

The payoff in Puerto Rico was Trump chucking paper towels and bags of rice to the puzzled people in a wealthy neighborhood and telling an  equally puzzled abuela  – grandmother – to “have a good time.”

You can’t make this shit up.