Comedians are having a difficult time writing
Trump material because, as the saying goes, you can’t make this shit up. Trump
is his own best material with every strange, arrogant, racist, lying, stupid,
ill-informed, willfully ignorant, crazed, divisive and moronic (thanks,
Tillerson) remark he makes or action he takes.
We will be
reeling from the Las Vegas massacre for a long time, but Donald Trump got right
to the heart of the matter, offering “warm condolences” to the victims like he
was congratulating them for being shot.
He also pointed out that the gunman was unhinged like he alone had made
this great, earth-shaking discovery. Duh. You can’t make this shit up.
Can’t wait
to see what he says about gun control. Maybe something like if you are a multi-millionaire, you have the
right to as many weapons as you can buy. Poor people will have to be restricted
because if they can’t make a lot of money, they obviously don’t have the mental
capacity to be trusted with firearms.
More likely
he will say nothing or take a couple weeks to get around to it.
Which brings
us to Puerto Rico. Granted, that was a historic disaster, but the very valid
reasons our president didn’t get around to dropping by for two weeks was that
he was frying much bigger fish like straightening out those sons of bitches in
the NFL and rattling “Little Rocket Man’s” cage for the umpteenth time.
He did point
out to any other ignorant Americans,
though, that Puerto Rico is an island surrounded by so much water that
the water is actually an ocean, which explained why no one was driving trucks
to the island to help – although the help wasn’t really needed because
everything was under control and that stupid bitch who’s the mayor of San Juan
was ragging on him and the government’s totally inadequate response because the
Democrats had put her up to it. You can’t make this shit up, no sir.
When he and
Melania did show up, with Melania all khakied up like she was in a remake of
“The Snows of Kilimanjaro,” he reminded the ungrateful American citizens of
Puerto Rico that because of all this generosity from his administration,
“you’ve thrown our budget a little out of whack” and then went on to crow about
how this new airplane he was ordering would cost “hundreds of millions.”
I get the distinct feeling that Trump thinks
the government’s money is actually his, and that those damn Puerto Ricans had
better straighten out their debts before he wastes any more of his dough on
their lazy spic asses. And they don’t even have any electoral votes like Texas
and Florida.
Oh, and by
the way, you whimpering Puerto Ricans,
Katrina was a “real disaster” with big time death numbers, not the paltry “16
verified” deaths on your island. Anybody with any sense knows that deaths are a
competition and a real barometer of tragedy.
The payoff
in Puerto Rico was Trump chucking paper towels and bags of rice to the puzzled
people in a wealthy neighborhood and telling an
equally puzzled abuela – grandmother – to “have a good time.”
You can’t
make this shit up.
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