Champions of Obnoxiety

I recently got a press release from the Don Rickles University of Astringent Comedy announcing that institution’s annual Champion of Obnoxiety awards given to those public personages who best exemplify all that is obnoxious about obnoxiety (a word ironically originating in “My Fair Lady”).

Past recipients include such paragons of the obnoxious as Andrew Dice Clay, Howard Stern, Chris Christie, Bobby Knight, Bobby Bonds, and Jerry Jones.

According to the Don Rickles University of Astringent Comedy acting Dean, Dennis Rodman, speaking through a literate spokesperson, “This year, we’ve taken a big, obnoxious step forward in picking  President Donald J. Trump as our Champion of Obnoxiety for 2017. It was a no-brainer. This man brought obnoxiety to the highest political, social, and international heights in the history of obnoxiety. He made insult an art form. He was vengeful, duplicitous, disloyal, and just plain ugly. He made lying a prerequisite for higher office. He mocked the handicapped and all women. He permitted lustful remarks about his own daughter – and agreed with them! He forgot his wife was with him on several occasions (and got his hand slapped).

“This man has made American obnoxiety the world gold standard from Australia to Antarctica. And, unselfishly, he has passed his singular brand of obnoxiety on to the next generation of potential Champions of Obnoxiety in a stirring, ringing, clarion call to obnoxiety to those bright, khaki-eyed  young men of the Boy Scouts of America – the BSA itself. It is up to these young stalwarts to pass on Champion Trump’s call to obnoxiety to the Girl Scouts of America, reminding them in the process of their second class citizenry in this Great Obnoxious America.”

Trump, in responding to his Champion of Obnoxiety award, said, “What the fuck – who else could get it? It’s what I do. It’s about time somebody noticed my wonderful obnoxiety – although at times I myself even forget about it because it’s such a beautiful, wonderful part of my greatness. There is no obnoxiety like American Obnoxiety and I have made it great again. The torch had been flameless since my great mentor and patriot Roy Cohn passed away – but it wasn’t from AIDS – and I have gathered it up in my man-sized hands and lit it again with an American made  Zippo and it now burns brightly – brighter than that pitiful flame at Kennedy’s grave, you know. Much brighter. Much greater. Like me. Only Lincoln more presidential.” 

And in a stunning first for the Champion of Obnoxiety Award, the Don Rickles University of Astringent Comedy chose a Rookie of the Year. Acting Dean Rodman’s spokesperson said, “If it weren’t for President Trump’s unrivaled obnoxious stature, his suddenly ex-communications director, Anthony Scaramucci, would have been among the front-runners.  After less than ten days on the job, Scaramucci – or ‘The Mooch’ as he was affectionately known by mostly himself – had stepped out of the shadows of obnoxiety to become one of its most vigorous, foul-mouthed proponents. His name is from the Italian for ‘little skirmisher’ and his crude, profane verbal skirmishes with both ex-chief of staff Reince Preibus and adviser Steve Bannon were far from little; these were full frontal insults and masterpieces of obnoxiety. As a bonus, his wife filed for divorce after his selection as communications director, citing cruel and reckless obnoxiety. He was easily the new go-to guy for things obnoxious in the Trump White House and our first ever pick for Obnoxious Rookie of the Year, even despite his abbreviated tenure. Well earned, Little Skirmisher. We’ll miss you.”

As a fitting post-script to The Mooch’s all-time quick firing, a source says Trump told Steve Bannon that  Scaramucci was fired for being “too obnoxious” and “trying to upstage me.”

Uneasy rests the head that wears the crown of Champion of Obnoxiety.