Hand to Hand Combat

The unidentified man with Putin at his Trump tete a tete was Alexei Strega, chief psychiatrist at the renowned Lenin Insitute of Deviation. He was there to do an on-the-spot psychiatric evaluation of Putin’s American counterpart.

Afterwards, at a men’s room down the hall from the conference room, Putin and Strega stood relievedly at the urinals.

“Well,” said Strega, “at least we know his bladder is just as strong as ours.”

“There is an old proverb, I’m sure you know,” Putin said, “’The pee stream leads to the backbone.’ Do you find it apropos  here?”

“By the sound of your stream, I have no doubts. You have demonstrated a career marked by courage.”

“And with the so-called president?” Putin asked.

“I would suspect a weaker stream than yours. The long necktie is an indication -- a literal cover up of a weak penis that could never achieve the great arcs of your urination.  And his eyes squint to hide what could be the spark of fear when confronted by a person such as yourself, yet I sensed too an admiration of you and perhaps even a longing to be a person such as yourself.”

“Da. And yet to lie as pathologically and as often as he does is not the path to what are my modest achievements,” Putin said. “I have arranged so that lies are tools, to be used sparingly and effectively, not to be brandished about the world like – what did his people call him? – a drunken tourist.”

“Strategic lies, as it were?” asked Strega.

“Well put. Today I simply reassured him that I had nothing to do with any Yankee hanky-panky and he almost cried he was so happy. It proves him right, makes him even easier to play. Yes, a very strategic lie. Embarrassing almost in its simplicity.”

“Almost,” said Strega and they both chuckled. “And what  about the other matters of discussion?”

“Syria and that? What do the Americans call it? Boilerplate. We’ll get back to most of it, but there was nothing substantial. How did he strike you during these discussions?”

“Amateurish. Out of his depth.  Superficial. He is not a man of details or ideas. I had the feeling he had been spoon-fed the basics and thought his ‘instincts,’ as he calls them, would see him through.”

“Exactly,” smiled Putin. “Did you see him jump when I mentioned how he had been showered with affection when he was last in Moscow?”

“A fine stroke, Vladimir.”

“And what of his wife? What did you make of her appearance in the room?”

“She is a tall one, nyet? And she too has a squint. I think there was worry on the outside about the president’s attention span and she was sent as both a monitor and a reminder.”

“And yet we went on for another hour,” said Putin. “Such whispering between him and that McMaster … like school boys.”

“Many American men do not get far beyond that stage, as you well know.”

“True,” said Putin. “In fact I have counted on it in my plans and dealings with this man. Sometimes I daydream, though, of chucking all these diplomatic  charades and simply calling him out for hand-to-hand combat.”

“Interesting,” said Strega. “He has small hands, and a soft look, and is old.”

“And has a weak stream,” Putin added.